Valuable

It is daunting to wake up on a Monday morning with no workplace to report to. I have been waiting for this moment. What am I, who am I, without all the “should do’s”? I have taken care of the taxes, the unpacking, the bills, the shopping, the doctor’s appointments, the emails, the drawer and closet cleaning, the books to read and the letters owed. I can contact people I know and some I don’t know to make inquiries about work. That should take an hour. Other than returning my husbands car, there really isn’t anything I “have” to do today.

What is it that I want to do today?
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Swim. Eat. Write. Start the book I want to make for my niece. Print some of the photographs I have taken with the underwater camera. Perhaps learn to draw. The truth is I am OK with this. I have been waiting for this moment. I often ask myself what I would be doing if I wasn’t acting out of obligation and fear and experienced my life honestly, from my heart. Years of meditation retreats and yoga classes have prepared me for this moment. And yet the question remains, what is it I want to do? What is the best way I can give back to this world?

It’s easy to define myself by my successes. I created a website where people can view my work accomplishments. I can post all my good times and important events on social media and receive accolades from friends and strangers. But the truth is, once I have completed a job, even a set within a project, the creation is complete and I quickly move on. I do not stay attached to any of them. The sets continue to evolve and my part in the process is finished. I am thrilled when people enjoy my efforts. Yet by the time the film is released I have either moved on to another project or am unemployed and looking for my next job. The public may judge me by my past efforts, but personally I judge myself by what I am contributing today, in this moment.

If I don’t “judge” myself, for once, and propel myself forward through my natural flow, where will that lead me? Can I appreciate this slower more thoughtful process as easily as I embrace the more public and kinetic one? Today the answer is unequivocally yes. Tomorrow, I may be down the rabbit hole of self-doubt and low self-esteem that seems to bubble up when I can’t hide behind the identity of Set Decorator on a movie. What a gift to have this time of reflection. What value can I place on the freedom and ease of this moment?

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